I tried my new Daily Presence deck that I created! My first card was blank which made me laugh, then I drew the upper back card. Each card is designed to be an invitation into a mindfulness and/or mediation practice involving a particular area of the body. As I engaged with this practice today, I connected deeply with past traumas, so please bear that in mind as it is a part of the content below.
I carry much of my stress in my upper back and tend to round my shoulders which puts it out of alignment. I also have physical problems with my spine in this area, so it is frequently a source of pain and discomfort. I like the practice of focusing (when it is self-directed) and listening to what my body has to say to me, but I can’t hear much from my upper back as it feels locked and numb. I suspect it holds much of my trauma in a way.
In order to try to be more aware and in communication with this area of my body, I first used my Chirp wheel to stretch a bit (not an affiliate link). I immediately heard my spine release which felt amazing. I then did a few chest opening stretches and finally used a heating pad to soothe my tight muscles.
As I sit here with warmth and relaxation entering my upper back, I realize some of what my upper back is carrying is a felt sense of the weight of both my past traumas and losses, as well as an anticipation of everything still left to do. During this time of year, I feel especially over-burdened and exhausted as I react to the lack of sunlight and cold. As I stay with the feeling, I’m reminded of yoga poses that open the chest, throat and pelvis areas, and how vulnerable and scared they’ve made me as they bring traumatic memories of sexual abuse to the surface. It is much easier to hunch my shoulders over, draw into myself and close off from others in order to feel safe and protected and in order to carry everything myself instead of risking connection.
I’m smiling now because when I pulled the “upper back” card, I thought it would be the easiest one to start with because I know I have tension there, but I realize now it is one of my most challenging physical spaces to breathe into mindfully and to listen to because it holds in so much suffering. My goal is to give it more awareness, to breathe and lift myself up there instead of shrinking inward when I notice it hurting. What is your relationship like with your upper back? What self-care does it need today?