After a difficult week, I treated myself to a bouquet of orange tulips today. It got rather smashed in my grocery cart and I felt a resonance with the juxtaposition of harm alongside brightness. Aside from the anticipation of fully experiencing their beauty when they open, I am appreciative of the hint of spring weather they offer. What has warmed your day? What is your favorite flower?
My day began by realizing I’d slept in until it was quite sunny outside. This made me happy as I felt I’d finally gotten a good night’s rest. As my dog and I walked outside in the rising sun, I heard birdsong cascading up and down the tree branches. There were at least two songbirds in chorus with one another. I felt my heart soaring and my inner well of strength filling; as I wrote recently, there is more beauty than pain in the world. For every dark moment, a candle burns, casting light beyond its wick into its surroundings.
My experiences in life have left me a vocal witness to suffering whenever I encounter it. I cannot look away and pretend all is well. But, in the same moment, I can find the flower peaking through the snow. I don’t need hope that things will get better. Rather, I need acknowledgement that, in the midst of despair, there is a space of honoring and being-with and a space of joy. When life completely devastates me, the trauma-voice in my head has one mantra “make it stop.” I don’t have the ability to end every negative encounter, but I do have the capacity to stand up for myself as I validate my own perceptions and to find the places where light streams through and the birds burst into song.
Today is a day in which I remind myself art is not the same thing as beauty. I tend to lean much more towards the products of creativity I find aesthetically pleasing and soothing, rather than considering the entire range of responses that could possibly be evoked. I do this, in large part, because I am much more easily disgusted than the average person.
Part of the research on disgust suggests it is an emotional response that evolved from processes we developed to keep us safe from contamination. For this post, I’m defining entrophy as disorder, chaos, destruction and death. Contamination and entrophy (in its physical sense) are connected in that death and chaos increase the risk of viruses, fungi and bacteria being spread.
For my reflection, I decided to take some time to analyze my somatosensory system (ability to feel pain, temperature, pressure, etc.) as well as my sense of smell as it relates to entrophy. I avoided my visual system because the images of things that are unpleasant can haunt me for months and are pretty much unbearable. My misophonia, as it relates to my sense of sound, is strongly tied into my disgust response as well. What, then, is the felt sense of entrophy, and what does it smell like? If you are as easily disgusted or bothered by disorder as I am, you may want to stop reading here!
- Feeling another’s warmth drift from you the moment after an embrace
- Being bumped into in a crowded public area
- Missing a step when walking down stairs
- Dropping a heavy or valuable object
- Running over a curb while driving
- Spilling food you’ve just prepared in every direction
- Trying to concentrate in a stuffy room
- Opening an umbrella when it is very windy outside
- Shaking someone’s cold, limp or clammy hand
- Sitting in the passenger seat of a dirty car
Scents of chaos
- Body odor combined with perfume/cologne
- A rotting animal corpse among the flowers on the edge of the road
- Excessive perfume/cologne in a sterile area (like a doctor’s office)
- An unidentifiable unpleasant odor
- The smell of an appliance motor burning out in a kitchen while cooking
This post, especially the part on smell, was extremely hard for me to write and made me feel nauseous. I had to stop after only a few ideas because I felt so grossed out. I recall (at one of my worst jobs ever) getting yelled at by a supervisor in front of coworkers because I’d told someone at the place I worked at that I found a situation to be disgusting. I am unable to do much to mask my “eww” face, even when I want to in order to not have other people feel judged or criticized. I joke with others a lot about how “weak my stomach is” and such to lessen how intensely they perceive my possible responses, but, even after all of these experiences, I am still a bit amazed to realize how visceral my reaction is to simply thinking about situations involving entrophy.
I question to what extent this way of being reflect neurodivergence on my part as I’ve had so many social interactions which indicate others are not all at the same place I am with it. My capacity for disgust clearly limits what I can handle in everyday life and has, at times, led to avoidance behaviors. Part of the reason I’ve socially withdrawn to the extent I have is that I am so sensitive to smells, physical sensations and sounds that it makes it hard for me to be around others, especially in unpredictable situations. Clean, organized, spacious, low-stimuli environments are where I function most effectively, which is why my house appeals to me.
What, for you, does entrophy represent? What situations, in terms of smells and/or your felt sense, remind you of entrophy and/or evoke a disgust response? To what extent are you affected by these types of situations?
Today’s card prompted me to recall a pleasant memory. What came to mind was a memory of one of the first times I experienced nature as something more than scenery but instead as a revelation. I was in graduate school and decided I needed a bit of a break. I drove, by myself, several hours to a small cabin rental in West Virginia. What I discovered in that state was breathtaking (and contrary to the aspects of West Virginia that are typically emphasized).
My travels took me through switchbacks, which are curved roads up and down mountainsides. I felt uncertain as to whether I could successfully navigate my way to my destination. Finally, I arrived in an area that opened skyward, and, looking to my right, saw a shear rocky cliff jutting out of a mountainside, surrounded by dense forest. I felt tears welling up in my eyes because I had never seen anything so awe-inspiring in nature. I *think* it was Seneca Rocks but I’m not certain.
Once I reached the vacation lodging, I found that the cabin was perfect. It was secluded enough to allow for privacy, but not so isolated that I felt alone. I was able to draw and cook and spend time in inner work in a way that I had never before accessed. It was my own spiritual retreat.
I spent time in nature as well, hiking into the forest until I arrived at a meadow with butterflies and tall grass. There was a stream running beside the campground bubbling with clear water and pale grey rocks. In the evenings, I sat out on the porch of the cabin enjoying the starlight.
I’ve wanted to return to this site again, but something tells me it was a bedrock moment in my life, one on which the whole of who I am becoming was built that cannot be recreated. It was within a few months of this trip that the full extent of my childhood trauma came clear to me, as though I needed to give myself the time and space to allow for its unfurling. As I contemplate the elements of self-care and self-expression that I most cherish, I engaged in nearly every one of them in the span of those few days, save true mindfulness as I had not yet encountered teachings on it. I started becoming myself there; it was the moment of glancing up and seeing the cliff and knowing at my core that there was more beauty than sorrow at the end of it all that inspired me. Even if I never return to West Virginia in this lifetime, it will always hold a special place in my heart.
What place(s) have left you awestruck in their natural beauty? What moments do you look back on as turning points towards a deeper understanding of yourself? Where has Nature met you when you most needed Her to?
I’ve had a bit more downtime recently and have started on a series of day trips filled with coffee-shops, local eateries and art! I really enjoyed my travels today and learned a bit about my art preferences. As a result, I feel renewed inspiration to simply let myself create rather than to worry about the end product.
I started the day at a library inside which there was a small coffee nook. I purchased some tea and read a book sitting on a comfy chair in front of ceiling-high windows. With my PTSD symptoms being as extreme as they are right now, I decided to wear my Bluetooth earbuds so that I could listen to music and minimize my auditory stimuli. No one got in my space except for a small child who was trying to hide from their sibling, who soon trotted past pushing a stroller much taller than they were. This interaction made me smile and I formed a positive impression of the place as a whole.
I next went to the art museum at which, for the majority of the time, I was the only visitor. The admission cost was high compared to the size of the museum. I was at first disappointed as the regular collection held mostly modern art which was filled with awkward, pointy breasts. I know that is a weird focal point but I swear half the pieces contained this, even though they were by assorted artists. Almost every single piece focused on the human figure in a distorted form; I felt uncomfortable rather than inspired. I know the point of art is to cause an emotional reaction, but I’m in a place where feeling soothed rather than challenged is what I need.
I was delighted, however, when I entered a small gallery displaying the work of local artists. Almost all of it contained nature scenes and I had to resist the temptation to spend hundreds of dollars on a piece, as most of them were for sale. I found it so ironic that the local, lesser-known artists were the ones I enjoyed so much. There was an oil painting of water and sky that I think was my favorite.
I only noticed one piece in colored pencil in the entire place. It was in the local artist gallery section. It reminded me of a painting I’d seen before, with geometric shapes and colors. I enjoyed the symmetry, however, when I inspected it closely, it made me feel better about my own colored pencil work as the areas in primary colors weren’t even filled in so that the tooth of the paper was covered.
I felt more confident in my pull to create art after the trip. Several pieces throughout the building reinforced to me the notion that the aesthetic appeal of art is in the eye of the beholder, in that, simply by creating a piece, art is happening. I’m also contemplating for the first time the relationship between my feelings of attraction and repulsion, and how they might interplay with my artistic interests. I am someone who is disgusted and repulsed more easily than most people and who finds beauty in nature rather than in the human form. To create something that, deliberate or not, I view as grotesque, quite honestly has never occurred to me before. I want pleasure not pain from my art, but, after viewing the local collection, I’ve come to see that my goal may not be shared by everyone. What do you want from the art you encounter? What are your goals when you create? On which spectrums besides disgust-beauty might art operate?
For today’s Daily Presence, I’m focusing on caring for my skin. Going on T often corresponds to more breakouts, so I changed my routine last summer and have found my skin is also responding (so far!) better to the cool temperatures than it has in the past as a result. Moisturizing is my main skin self-care secret!
Facial care routine
I start each day washing my face with a benzoyl peroxide face cleaner. Then, as soon in sequence as I can, I blot using a toner. I finish with a light moisturizer with SPF protection. I repeat this process after a hard workout.
In the evenings (when I shower), I use a moisturizing soap in the shower. I repeat the benzoyl peroxide cleaner, and then alternate between a charcoal face wash and one with hyaluronic acid. Finally, every other day, I include Differin gel as the final part of my facial care. All the products I use are available over the counter at places like Target, and cost ten dollars or less individually. The fact that they are budget-friendly is important to me because, although I care about my skin, it isn’t something into which I’m willing to pour tons of money.
I don’t wear any makeup now, so any blemishes and skin imperfections are a lot more noticeable than they used to be. I can feel self-conscious if a pimple makes its home on my face, but I am grateful my daily process at least keeps my face from being extremely oily. In addition, although I’ve written this before, I feel the need to restate that I cannot believe how much more able to “breathe” my skin is now that it isn’t covered in what seems close to paint in retrospect.
Body Skincare routine
The routine for the rest of my body is much simpler. As I write this, I find myself wondering why I give my face so much more attention! I use the same moisturizing soap to wash my body, and a body butter cream on my hands, feet and any other dry spots every night. I also use a standard moisturizing lotion throughout the day, primary on my hands.
I’ve dealt with both eczema and psoriasis before, and winter has been a prime time for flares. I still have problem spots on my knees and the backs of my hands at times, but staying ahead of any drying has helped to reduce my issues. What does your skincare routine look like? Does it feel like it soothes or irritates your skin? What’s your secret ingredient to feeling your best in terms of your skin?
I’ve fallen in love with the sky. Late fall and winter have often been bleak seasons for me, given that all the vegetation is dying off. Now that I’ve started to notice the clouds, sunlight and array of colors present above, I no longer feel that this time of year is austere and lifeless. My only frustration has been my inability to convey in artwork the beauty I’m witnessing in nature.
The card I drew today focused on representing the dark, so I chose to attempt to illustrate the night sky using my set of colored pencils. This was even less successful than some of the day scenes on which I’ve been working. The black, magenta and blues I used seemed too bland and, strangely, lacking in light compared to what the night holds.
I need to spend a lot more time in contemplation of the sky as well as to take a lot of photographs of what I’m trying to capture in order to more fully capture its magnificence. The moon must have a place too! Have you tried to illustrate or create an artistic image of the night sky? What have you found helpful in doing so?