A Ride Down (In the Cards)

I’m feeling quite down today and decided to draw some cards to see what Spirit had to say to me. The messages I received included that this is a time of darkness, which fits both the world at large and the fact that today is a New Moon and that opening to inner power will bring new understanding to my life. I don’t feel powerful because so much of the autonomy I’ve had has been reduced by the pandemic. I (as well as most people in the world today) have to think about safety and protection from harm every time I venture outside my house. I feel helpless in terms of securing my future financially and guilty every time I give into a “want.”

I can’t shake my dream I had last night. I am forever riding elevators in my dreams. Typically, they spin around and get stuck between floors and I can’t exit. In this latest dream, I started out several floors up in an opulent hotel. Eventually, I was able to exit what had turned into a service elevator to a gruesome sight of people dying and suffering. I interpreted this as bearing witness to both the external horror in which we are living as well as my own half-buried fears of a protracted death.

Perhaps that is what I’m holding onto–is it possible to surrender to the forces of nature and retain one’s power? Does physical suffering–walking in the shadows–hide from us the beauty of who we are or can we still see clearly? Is decay only misery and always misery? When it is unjust, meaning preventable, it is hard for me to see it as anything else, but what happens when it is inevitable? These are philosophical queries I would never want to ask anyone other than myself to contemplate, especially in the face of real loss and tragedy. Where meaning-making fails, there is human kindness and solidarity and that is abundance itself. What I will say is that I can see now that I’ve fully conflated autonomy and power as one and the same and I think now that they are both more vast and filled with uneven terrain than I thought possible.

In Search of Dreams (In the Cards)

Today’s card invited me to spend some time contemplating recent dreams and deciphering the wisdom of my unconscious mind. I had a vivid dream a few nights ago that led me to worry that the person about whom I’d dreamt had died. As far as I know, he hadn’t, but I lost an estranged family member a day or two later. It is always tempting to view situations like that as prophetic, but I have my doubts. Even that dream, though, generally held the same theme and energy as the large share of my dreams.

I am always attempting to have the moment arrive in my dreams. I will have intricate dreamscapes of buildings with spires and rooms upon rooms, through which I wander, never to find that for which I am looking. Sometimes, such as my recent dream, I am waiting for an appointment to begin, but there is confusion about the schedule and nothing lines up. Or, I will find myself driving along the highway, bland building after bland building passing by, uncertain of where I am headed.

People are, in general, not the central players in my dreams. It is always about searching and being foiled by the layout of the building or location in which I find myself, thwarted from meeting whatever unknown goal my mind has set for itself. There is a sense of time pressure in that I’m late or about to be late in most situations. The moment I am so desperately trying to reach is rarely an important or self-directed one; it is arranged in the service of keeping to a schedule or performing a work-related task.

My days are rushed and chaotic at times right now, but, underneath the hustle, there is a sense of lounging around as I don’t have to dress up or drive anywhere to perform my job. Even when life is “normal,” I schedule myself so that I am rarely under time pressure because of the amount of stress it causes me. I question why my resting mind anticipates and attempts to solve a problem that my waking mind has perfected many times over.

This of course leads me to a deeper interpretation. Am I searching for something other than the mundane? Am I trying to find myself, or to find answers to who I am? Am I seeking beyond my own limitations into the possibilities of the dreamworld?

From the scant empirical research on dreams in psychology, I do think it possible for our waking mind to influence our resting mind. So, I ask myself: For whom or what I am searching? Is the process of searching what I truly desire? What would it be like to sit instead and enjoy the creations of my inner world? What questions would you like your resting mind to answer?