Inner Royalty and Self-Respect (In the Cards)

One of the themes I’ve been encountering this year has been related to the outflow of my energy. In the Northern Hemisphere, we are moving into the warmer seasons, where, at least for me, my mood and daily productivity tends to be stronger than in the cooler times of the year. I feel that I’m exerting effort more than I’m replenishing my reserves. In particular, I been paying more attention than I normally would to my desire to be helpful.

A core strength of who I am as a person is that I am highly skilled at problem-solving. It is natural for me to analyze situations based on the available resources and to select among various outcomes the one I think will work the best to address the issue at hand. This gift is one for which I’m grateful, but I’ve found it is not often well-received by others. If offered unsolicited, it slips from being an act of kindness into a “know-it-all” place. What frustrates me to no end is when people turn to me for help and then become offended when I am frank with them rather than support their continued denial of reality. Those who can’t face hard truths rarely respond well to those who are comfortable in observing the world as it actually is.

The phrase “pearls before swine” has gone through my head more times than I can count since the pandemic began. I tried to warn others about what was coming, only to be dismissed with hostility and to have the basic facts I was presenting be ignored or discounted. Everything I predicted would happen has, as well as far more serious outcomes than even I had anticipated. I want to pour my energy into people who respect me enough to know that I speak truth and who will be honest with me in turn, but I also need to find a way to reclaim my efforts that are futile and lost on those who won’t face reality.

It feels like a psychic exchange occurs in which I am robbed when someone asks for my advice and then stomps on it, or treats me as ignorant in areas where I am nothing of the sort. It is a loss of dignity, so perfectly captures in the “pearls before swine” image. I know there is a deep traumatic wound that is being exposed when these situations happen, because I suspect an outside observer might not feel that I’ve endured a grave moment of dishonor.

I am working through imagery and ritual that will help me realign my sense of self-respect and dignity when I am dishonored. Icons of crowns and robes and regal adornment are flashing through my head along with moods of luxury and abundance. Where I want to not trip over myself is to fall into the dehumanization trap of believing that those who are rude to me and who don’t value my gifts are worthless or beneath me. It is not really about them but about my need to remain intact when the best of me is viewed with scorn and contempt. Their denial of my truth speaks to their inability to be honest with themselves as to their weak or impoverished or emotional parts of self more than it says anything about my relationship with mine, but, when I continue to focus hatred towards them rather than to celebrate myself, I buy into their lies. My lived reality is that I acknowledge all the parts of myself, even the ones that are difficult to accept and that I have a rich inner world.

There is plenty for each aspect of myself and each part’s role is vital to who I am as a being. A practice dedicated to inner dignity, inner royalty, inner respect and inner truth and ownership are life-giving ways of honoring who I am that may help to restore each jewel of my energy back to myself. I’ve never conceptualized this process in this way and am curious as to how this viewpoint will change how I see myself. If you’ve had experience in this area, please share in the comments!

Buying a Small Gift (Today’s Simple Pleasure)

I have been stuck in customer service hell on top of all of my ongoing ADA accommodation and other stressors. Multiple online processes in which I have normally been able to engage without any issues have turned into hours and hours on the phone without resolution. Moments like this convince me we are living in a computer simulation and that my sector has a glitch! I decided to channel my energy into generosity by buying a few people in my life a gift.

I have a lot of hesitancy both in receiving and in giving gifts. Something about the process feels very vulnerable and fraught with potential rejection. The moment of buying the gifts I did as of late, however, felt like an act of generosity. One of the recipients told me my action was kind. Kind is not a word I am used to hearing in relation to myself; I have repeated a mantra that I am not a kind person.

I think the root of this is that I want to be intimidating in my presence; I want a type of power that engenders respect. I would like to be able to soften over time as someone gets to know me, rather than to have to toughen and toughen again when they assume, based on my appearance, that I must be naturally soft. A lot of my gender dysphoria connects to this. Being kind by giving a gift seems right, now that, due to T and such, my physical appearance looks tougher than it ever has. Gifts are concrete and crude compared to other acts of connection, so they suit me in their inherent awkwardness.

If I dwell on it, I find my way of being is more nuanced. I’m drawn to the idea of practicality as well as romance as it relates to gift-giving–at times, I’d rather give someone something they’d use whereas, at other times, I’d like to give them something sentimental. I thrive on being able to help out in a practical way but also in being emotionally supportive. I can blend the “masculine” and the “feminine” in the same body and spirit and that makes me euphoric.

Do you like to give gifts? How do you express kindness? How, if at all, do the ways in which you show you care to others connect with your sense of your gender?